tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17992787817665919812024-03-21T01:13:35.449-04:00Slacker MommyI am a wife, mother and I work full time and I am trying to find a way to balance my life.Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06216425669160584595noreply@blogger.comBlogger49125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1799278781766591981.post-41235751054727708232011-08-04T20:24:00.000-04:002011-08-04T20:25:52.636-04:00Huge changesAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06216425669160584595noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1799278781766591981.post-59358640752460456402011-07-19T09:32:00.003-04:002011-07-19T10:08:37.825-04:00Starting over, once again.In spectacular Slacker Mommy fashion I have slacked off from even bothering to remember this blog that no one reads. I often find myself here typing when I can't figure out what is going on in my life. The last six months have been a time of such immense change....it all started last September really. The change has been much more spiritual than anything else and really it now shapes so much of how I view my life. That is probably a post for another day. <br /><br />I am once again <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">struggling</span> with the desire to do it all, to be supermom, to be a good wife and take care of everyone and am falling way short. I am tired, I am angry that I feel like the last few days I have done nothing but cook and negotiate with a whining almost 3 year old, who when not up to some trouble is asking "why" incessantly. I have been short tempered and angry with both X and B. I am having difficulty knowing at what point do I get to be angry about B's lack of help. I know he is stressed and tired, but I so am I! The house is a wreck, there is not a clean dish in the kitchen and seriously he just sits on the couch and WAITS for me to bring him a plate. I want to scream and yell. I want to start a fight. I want to win. Though I know none of that is the right thing to do. What is? Keep cleaning and cooking until I can't anymore because I am so tired? I try to keep reminding myself of the story of Jesus washing the apostles feet and keep that attitude of service in my heart while I take care of my family and do things I do not enjoy doing. <br />I can't do it all on my own. Ha! That is so true, but perhaps I am not asking for help from the right person.Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06216425669160584595noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1799278781766591981.post-15227930231615453202011-01-27T14:26:00.002-05:002011-01-27T14:31:47.633-05:00I have been trying so hard to “let go and let God”, to believe that my time table and plans for having another child are not important. I was doing okay until reality hit today. My cycle was running “late-ish” but with no real symptoms of anything, I was starting to get optimistic. About 2 minutes after I noticed a co-worker was obviously,glowingly, roundly pregnant, seemingly overnight, I got the confirmation that I would not be having a “birthday baby” as I had accidentally named try # 11. Every month it is a different baby that I imagine….a different birth date I wish for based on the season of holidays surrounding it. So we are at month #12 and never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I would be here. At the end of next month I have an appointment with the OB and we will see what happens after that. I imagine some tests and maybe some drugs to make me ovulate. <br />The thing that amazes me in all of this, in trying to let go is now that I am sad and crying about no “birthday baby” I also feel guilty that by being sad and disappointed I am not trusting God’s plan for our family. B and I joke that maybe they will put me on clomid and I will get the twin girls I have dreams about. I really need to see this as an opportunity to lose some more weight, get in better shape, and not be sick as a dog for the 5K on B’s Birthday (or the scrapbook retreat!). Sometimes it is just easier said than done. <br />I have so much to be thankful for. I have a beautiful little boy, who is smart and sweet and more amazing than I ever dreamed; a husband that is loving and supportive of all my endevors, even when they include me leaving for the weekend to go scrapbook. I have found a church home and a community to belong to. Life is good. I even managed to walk 3 miles at the gym last Saturday!!! Life is good and I need to remember that.Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06216425669160584595noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1799278781766591981.post-86978706056406997272011-01-18T14:24:00.001-05:002011-01-27T14:26:17.845-05:00BrokenI am so lost in my own head. I can not get the <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">CRHP</span> weekend out of my brain. The whole weekend was stressful, emotional, overwhelming. I still have not processed it all I am not sure how to even being processing it all. All of the sadness and despair and hurt and pain it Is amazing to see these women who shared their stories thriving and happy and things that I think…how in the world would you ever survive that and still have faith….they do. The surly rebel in me wants to call them <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">naive</span> and stupid and simple to continue having Faith to continue believing….I think that is the same part of myself that is terrified if I have faith, unwavering child like faith then I will have my world knocked upside down. That is what I have the most difficulty dealing with all of the pain in the world, death, sadness, suffering….why is it there….if God loves us why do we suffer. I have seen so much around me…. It hurts my heart to see it, but I think the reason it hurts so much is because I am afraid. I have had a blessed life and I can’t help but wonder “ when is it my turn” When will my turn come to deal with the unbearable, unimaginable, to struggle through heartache or some terrible situation. I guess this has been a lesson in IF my time of immense trial comes (not when there are no guarantees) it matters how I handle it and how I face it. Our motto of “we’ll be where we are supposed to be” is very similar to the phrase “let go and let God” that I heard all weekend. It is so hard to trust that idea, especially when I feel like trusting that idea leaves me open and vulnerable to all that is bad in the world…like I have an extra big target on my back.<br />What I have found is that I do love being Catholic, the ceremony, the prayers. Hearing a room full of amazing women singing and praying together was inspiring. I have missed church, I have missed belonging. That which was keeping me away no longer does, well part of it anyway. I discovered that reconciliation <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-error">isn'</span>t the antiquated practice I thought it was (but really what does an 11 year old know!) but something very comforting. The sense of relief of asking for forgiveness for something I <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_3" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">couldn't</span> forgive myself for was refreshing maybe even empowering (is that the right word) The weight of the world left my shoulders in that chapel. Even know though the “real world Me” looks back at that experience a short 4 days ago and wonders “ did I imagine it…you sound a little crazy….or down right ridiculous”<br />I almost left. By Saturday afternoon what was asked of me was too much, to hard to bear. How selfish of me to be so self involved that I <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_4" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">couldn'</span>t get over myself. I feel like something broke….maybe broke is the wrong word…unwrapped….but in a more violent painful way …like picking a giant scab off my soul (such a gross image) or a wall… or reminds me of the red wax on a piece of cheese and it was peeled away and what is left is soft and pliable…. So what shape do I take…..what is next for me… where do I go from here. I crave time to be alone and think and pray…. I am so excited to go to church on Sunday and participate and I feel like I have to halves to myself….the church self and the regular normal self and I can’t connect the two…. The normal self still judges everything the church self thinks and says with <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_5" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">cynicism</span> and disdain…with a touch of mistrust. I feel lost…. But like maybe I have an idea of where the map is.Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06216425669160584595noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1799278781766591981.post-35253163955033346212010-11-10T13:37:00.002-05:002010-11-10T13:46:56.394-05:0030 days of cooking at home: Days 6,7 and 8Day 6 - out to lunch we ended up spending WAY more at a sitdown restaurant than subway would have been. I have zero will power when B pouts. We did manage to eat BBQ at home again.<br /><br />Day 7 - I have not been to the store in a week, we were running low and instead of having pancakes or eggs like I suggested B says "I'll clean the whole kitchen and then we will get chinese food" Like usual we get chinese food and the kitchen is still a MESS. <br /><br />Day 8 - Tired of BBQ for 3 days in a row at one point or another we have Subway. It is healthier and cheaper than the other meals we have... but we still are not cooking at home! Tonight is Pancakes for dinner. <br /><br />We have decided after reading a lot about it and having previously realized the benefits of the "dirt diet" to give up processed foods. Seriously nothing that comes in a box that has more than 5 ingredients, no sugar or white flour. It will be hard. We have done it before and actually had just started it when I got pregnant with X. So I started wondering if that is the secret ingredient to getting pregnant again. At any rate it can't hurt. So Friday B and I are taking off work and cooking, cooking, cooking. My plan is to have all the meat for our food precooked and frozen for later use. The thinking is if it is already done and all I have to do is throw in a pan or salad or on some rice and dinner is ready than our no processed food plan might work. <br />Obviously we will have some sugar on Thanksgiving, but we are going to see how well we can stick to it. I learned that triscuits fall in the 5 ingredient rule so having something a little indulgent/ carb like seems like this will appease me when I am eating salads for lunch.Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06216425669160584595noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1799278781766591981.post-45147571115466011452010-11-08T08:35:00.002-05:002010-11-08T08:48:17.804-05:0030 days of cooking: Days 4 and 5So this whole eating at home thing this weekend was a complete failure, Thai Food for lunch after running errands on Saturday, McDonald's for Dinner and Pizza for lunch on Saturday. Did anything get cooked? No, unless you count cereal. The house is a wreck. <br /><br />I should have known better that having a huge project we should have had some cold cuts around or something easy to eat this weekend that was already made. The office IS painted. The color is beautiful. The big furniture was put pack in the room and the shelves hung up high. It looks great so far. I am going to try to add things in slowly so it isn't a giant heap, but a nice room, that is done. Hopefully we get the futon frame painted this week so it can go into the room next week. <br /><br />B and I did nothing but argue, we seem to be on different wavelengths again. I know we need to dialogue, but neither of us seems to want to start it. I am not sure why. I have a lot of sad feelings I am dealing with and B complains that everything I talk about is negative. <br /><br />So are we going to do better today, no we are going out for lunch. We are having Subway though because we both feel gross after all the junk we had this weekend. <br /><br />One bright spot to the weekend, other than we did get a lot accomplished we had Movie night with X. It was so much fun. We watched Toy Story 3. He only payed attention to about half of it, but his reactions to parts of it were so funny. He was begging last night to watch a "moobie". I think it is something we should deffinately do once or twice a month.Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06216425669160584595noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1799278781766591981.post-34730030421233152552010-11-05T09:26:00.002-04:002010-11-05T09:32:45.484-04:0030 days of cooking: Day 3 and weekend illusions of grandeurSO on the heels of last nights failure hopefully I can manange to cook tonight. B is going to a basketball game. I personally would rather gouge my eyes out with a rusty spoon than sit with 20,000 people at a game. So X and I are on our own. I am going to attempt to make us scrambled eggs sandwiches. "Samiches" as X calls them, the boy is obsessed with "samiches". I also hope to cook the pork loin that has failed to make it into the crockpot for 3 nights now. Then we will have yummy BBQ to eat this weekend. <br /><br />As for other weekend plans. I have grand HGTV plans where we will get the entire office redone and turned into a guestroom/ office by sunday evening. I know better but I can't still help but fantasize about it. I also want to surprise B and get the first coat on the wall while he is at the game. I am not sure there are enough hours between bedtime and the end of the game to make that happen. We shall see.Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06216425669160584595noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1799278781766591981.post-30878097358304213512010-11-04T15:07:00.004-04:002010-11-05T09:26:00.053-04:0030 days of cooking: Day 2This day got off to a rocky start since we stopped for breakfast sandwiches on the way to work this AM. We were good and at least brought our own OJ with us. I am a little concerned about dinner tonight. I was supposed to cut up and brown the pork loin last night so we could put it into the crock pot for BBQ. I feel asleep and that didn't happen so my menu is off. I guess X and I will have eggs for dinner, actually a scrambled egg sandwich sounds really good right now. <br /><br />We are also planning on painting the office/ guest room and turn it into a functional guest room/ scrapbook haven, I mean office for B to study in. I really need to work on getting that room cleaned out tonight. I currently have no motivation. Hopefully when I get home I will have more energy. <br /><br />Update: Last night was an EPIC FAILURE in the form of domino's pizza. Yeah I pretty much suck. Though I did discover that X will sit still if you hand him a whole apple to eat. He thinks he is big stuff sitting and eating an apple.Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06216425669160584595noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1799278781766591981.post-32292786895527162612010-11-04T15:02:00.002-04:002010-11-04T15:07:27.129-04:00Day 1For Day 1 of lets cook at home I succeeded. We had what I call "pasta toss" Which is bits of things I have left over in the fridge chicken, red peppers and a couple slices of bacon. I mix everything up with some pasta and sprinkle with some parmesean cheese. We had a salad and Snow peas and carrots, apparently the big boy AND the little boy love cooked carrots. I was so proud of myself our plates were half vegetable, they looked so healthy and colorful! <br />Now I will admit B picked up blizzards later last night, but it was so good.Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06216425669160584595noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1799278781766591981.post-39573634022291506382010-11-03T15:49:00.002-04:002010-11-03T15:59:20.848-04:0030 days of cooking at home.In yet again another spastic atempt to challenge myself, keep myself accountable and save money I am going to try to cook meals at home for the next 30 days. Which is perfect, because December 3, the day the 30 days will end is the same night as our Christmas Party at work which will be a really nice meal out. <br /><br />This is going to be HARD. B and I both are really excellent at talking each other into things, like chinesse food or french fries, things that making them at home isn't quite the same. I am also going to try to spend as little as possible at the grocery store, though with Thanksgiving and good holiday sales I may take the opportunity to stock up. Last night was a good example of this I spent $80, but I bought MANY things at the lowest prices I am going to find them .50 cent canned fruit, 0.79 deoderant (yep I'm proud of that one.) I am a little allarmed at the rate with which we go through bananas, at least they are cheap.<br /><br />I am going to try to prep ahead of time as much as possible so we can eat when we get home. We have a few busy weeks ahead of us so having dinner ready to go when we get home is the best way to ensure we actually EAT what was on the menu. I have a few noodle bowls and a frozen pizza for when we get stuck so I hope that I can actually stick to something for a change.Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06216425669160584595noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1799278781766591981.post-55626215745231400582010-09-11T19:56:00.003-04:002010-09-11T20:00:44.155-04:00Grand PlansI have a new plan. Let's see if I can actually finish a project. B and I are going out of town on Friday night for the weekend. We have been toying with the idea of painting the living room and office and rearranging things. I want the house "finished" or as finished as it can be until we come up with another idea for a project. I want the major decorating done. So we are going all out this weekend and this week. We have been collected the pieces we want.<br /><br />It is a major undertaking to paint 2 rooms and a hallway, but I think it will be incredibly relaxing to come home on Sunday evening to a clean, fresh and "new" house.Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06216425669160584595noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1799278781766591981.post-8085127168966238762010-06-23T09:04:00.003-04:002010-06-23T10:14:58.330-04:00How do I stay focused?Focus - I struggle with the daily. In the Pixar movie "UP" that we watched recently the dogs in it are often easily distracted by SQUIRRELS. <br /> I often feel the same way. I will be working on one thing and then an idea pops into my head and I work on that and then something distracts me, either a question or a phone call and I take care of that. Then I get another idea and work on that and end up very much off the original task. I struggle daily with staying focused at home and at work. Home is easier most of the time, because there are at least a few things that must be done on a daily basis. Those are feeding and putting X to bed. I am constantly aware of those tasks, because of his presence in the house and the time frame from when we get home to bedtime is only two hours. The other things that need done, like cleaning, will get halfway don and then I start something else. Though at times that something else is sitting on the couch and procrastinating.<br />At work I have a lot of freedom to set my own experiments and plan my day how I see fit to get my work completed. Generally speaking there are not many hard deadlines on most things. This makes procrastinating very easy. I do get my work accomplished and I do a good job, but often I find myself easily distracted. An example would be currently I need to be analyzing slides, but it is a tedious mindless task that takes a long time so I take frequent (perhaps too frequent) breaks to keep myself from falling asleep or going crazy. I do enjoy my job. I enjoy that I get to do very different things on different days from surgery and tissue collection to histology and data analysis. Often, though I end up doing weeks of one aspect of my job while all others fall to the wayside. <br /><br />I am really going to try to focus on the task at hand instead of spending time fretting about the laundry and whats for dinner while at work and work while at home. I am pretty good at leaving work at work for the most part (though I will need to do some work this weekend), but as a way to escape everything we have just been coming home and watching movies. Granted with no A/C moving out of the direct line of the fan into the rest of the 87 degree house isn't the best plan. I hope once the air is back on we can start really living in our house again.Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06216425669160584595noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1799278781766591981.post-78319400483091178172010-06-21T10:24:00.002-04:002010-06-22T13:00:34.101-04:00Gratitude<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPn20api3z-qKqs6QrsyFP0AIjDvEA4F0V0J8F3A7qzMNgsgJdWr7Yaa1nydg8ZDjeb2g2kWB9p8AcPhilZ5Fp2UHQShhER7y373dvv4Zlq24JnmRnZd6zpBXiVzJeCO3pn9XFj0L91n4/s1600/28300_621761957313_42211363_35176332_4649682_n.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 213px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPn20api3z-qKqs6QrsyFP0AIjDvEA4F0V0J8F3A7qzMNgsgJdWr7Yaa1nydg8ZDjeb2g2kWB9p8AcPhilZ5Fp2UHQShhER7y373dvv4Zlq24JnmRnZd6zpBXiVzJeCO3pn9XFj0L91n4/s320/28300_621761957313_42211363_35176332_4649682_n.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5485606850862341314" /></a><br /><br /><br />As I was sitting outside this AM eating breakfast because it was so unbearably hot in our sauna, I mean house with a broken AC. I Enjoyed the cooler air and heard the birds chirp as the sun was streaming through the trees. I swear I could see some vapor rising out of the grass as the sun warmed the damp blades. It made me stop an be thankful, for all that I have. I am where I always wanted to be. <br />So many times in my life I would get frustrated because I knew the goal, but I could not see how we were ever going to get there. I remember wanting a baby and not being entirely sure if we could afford it and feeling like I had to choose between a baby and buying a house. Well we had a baby and then bought a house. Honestly 2 years ago when I was pregnant if anyone had ever told me we would have been able to buy a house when X was 5 months old I would have thought they were crazy; at that point I was wondering how we were going to manage daycare. We have lived in that house for over a year now and sometimes it is frustrating. It is also nice to realize that it is OURS. To paint and re-do and unfortunately repair when it breaks. So in 2 years we have managed to accomplish 2 of our goals and bought a car too. I am thankful for those things. I am also thankful that MIL watches DS for us. This has freed up money we would have been spending on daycare to allow us to be in a better place. Yes the A/c breaking is not great, but the impact something that was THAT expensive having on us 2 or 3 years ago and now is different. I know that we can pay for it. It is nice to be in that place. My future goal is to be in a place where not only can we afford a repair like that, but we can afford to do it in cash. That will be the day I will know we have made it. Like usual, that is in our future, and I can't fully see how to get there. <br />I need to be grateful for what I have more often, instead of trying to see ahead to the next thing.<br />What am I grateful for today?<br />*X said his longest sentence so far "Hi, I Sees Mama!" <br />*We have a house and a car and everything we need, and also many things we want<br />*The tiny boy of mine who climbs in our bed every morning with enthusiasm, giggles and "tisses"Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06216425669160584595noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1799278781766591981.post-2100312341702943512010-06-16T10:16:00.002-04:002010-06-16T12:04:13.977-04:00Slacker Mommy take 4 or 5 or 6.Again I have grand plans for writing the blog to hold myself accountable for all the goals I have in my life, and I never manage to get past start. I think I need to write daily to get into the habit of keeping up with the blog. I have so many areas of interest health, financial, cooking, saving money, decorating, being productive at work, taking care of myself and my family. Having so many things to worry with make it hard to nail down exactly what I want or need to write about. I think for a few weeks I will write what comes to me, and after that, perhaps I will have a schedule of weekly topics that cover the various aspects of my life. <br />I started this blog because I was tired of feeling stuck and overwhelmed. Here I am 12.5 months later and I am not sure much has changed yet. I still feel like I have more to do than can ever get done and that I spend more time working than I do on all the other parts of my life combined. I have some plans in the works. <br /> 1) the house is just about done, hopefully in a few more weeks I will have everything cleaned out and organized and can post some before and after pictures. <br /> 2) B and I are training for a 5K. I think I will only be able to walk it, but I really am going to give it my best shot. It is 2 months from now. I want to see how far I can walk on my own right now and then I will come up with a schedule of weekly goals. <br /><br />The 5K makes me nervous. I am terrified I won't be able to do it, or my lungs won't cooperate. We have decided to give <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">TTC</span> a break for at least a month while I get ready because training for it while pregnant would not be fun. This also scares me. I really thought I would get pregnant right away. I just don't want to still be trying 6 months from now. I am trying to see this as a "it will happen when it's supposed to happen" event. I know in my head that it would be better if I was at a healthier weight, but I really want to know another baby is on the way.Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06216425669160584595noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1799278781766591981.post-19829539944135918882010-04-26T12:06:00.004-04:002010-04-26T12:14:35.316-04:00Pantry and No Spend month.In an endeavor to save as much as possible May will be eat out of the pantry and no spending month. And since we need every penny we are starting today, 5 days before May.<br /><br />So I will post spending and meals Every day for the next 36 days. I can't spend absolutely nothing. Mother's day is this month. I will make dinner for MIL. And I will think of something to do for my mom. Also I am making dinner for a playgroup mom on Sunday. I am about 99% sure the only expense will be a package of chicken breast and containers to deliver the meal in, and B,X and I will get dinner from that meal as well. The last known expense will be toilet paper and tampons...they are necessary but should come in under $10. I imagine $50 to be the minimum to spend this month. Wouldn't it be incredible if I could keep it to $100 MAX.<br /><br />So Meals today<br />Breakfast - cereal, milk. We are going to have to use oatmeal because the cereal will not last long<br />Lunch- BBQ for me Leftovers for B. <br />Dinner - B will have BBQ before class. X and I will have Tacos. I will add a can of black beans to the taco meat to stretch it out so it will last for an extra meal!Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06216425669160584595noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1799278781766591981.post-74624780502348156882010-04-26T11:34:00.003-04:002010-04-26T12:04:49.320-04:00I don't know what to do.So we had a nice, productive weekend or so I thought until I started looking at how much money we have spent since the last payday. The amount is OBSCENE. And yes this is a month where we have extra because there are 3 paychecks, but things have spiraled out of control. I feel so lost. And I am the one responsible, because I am always the only one responsible. <br /><br />B talks about all of the things he wants to do and wants for the house, but he has no grasp on how much things cost and how little there is leftover every month and that that money should be going to repay debt. There are a few other things we can cut, but beyond that we can not cut much more and not have to resort to eating ramen 3 nights a week. <br /><br />It is the same story I/We know what needs to be done yet we don't do it. A good chunk of spending was eating out. The second week we did better about not eating out so much, until the weekend. Then we ordered pizza, went to dinner with friends and then had date night. I really didn't want to go, but we had a free babysitter, so I thought we should take advantage of that and anytime I mentioned we could stay in B started moping. <br /><br />B and I are in the midst of a HUGE fight via email. I know he is busy and has stuff to do and he is in the office alone, but I send him an email about what I have realized and he sends back a reply with nothing of importance in it. I feel like he is to blame, because I am always trying to please him. He still has not learned anything about delayed gratification...AT ALL. He has his own bank account with an overdraft line of credit and his is CONSTANTLY going over the limit and borrowing money from "us" or taking advances on his allowance to cover himself. He still owes us money from going on a trip a few months ago. The problem is I let him do this. I try and tell him no and he manages to wheedle and manipulate and get his way. He used to do the same thing to his mother. She drove herself into debt to give him what he wanted. Debt wise we have made some poor choices in the past, but you would think we would learn from them and change our behavior, but we really haven't. We stopped using credit cards, but saving and eating out less and not spending too much have not really happened. Just this weekend I went and spent about $70 on clothing, now I had allowance money to pay for it, but I think I am going to return them and use the money toward out larger goals. <br /><br />That is the problem with B, he cant see the big picture. He has things of value which he sells and then spends on himself. I find that selfish. Particularly when there are projects around the house he wants us to pay for. He desperately wants a new couch. I don't understand why he won't sell some of his posters to pay for it. Yes he did sell a big piece to help us get the car, but I am still bitter that he did not take my advice and sell it a year earlier at the most opportune time....we lost out on $3000. Though we probably would have wasted it and then had nothing for the down payment on the car. I guess that is what it is. I just think that if I had the opportunity to make a profit on something I would contribute to our family first.<br /><br />I know I am at fault too. I keep giving in to what he wants. I don't want him to be angry with me or sad or upset. SO what he had a bad day and wants Chinese food...ok, just this one last time it will be okay. Or I wanted to surprise him so I went ahead and bought him an iPod for his birthday instead of making him save for it I let him pay it off later. He has lived his entire life like this. Get what he wants now and pays for it later and I have gotten sucked in too. Once I had money of my own it was fun being able to buy things, have nice things and clothing. I never had many lessons on savings from my parents. And now I am digging out for mistakes we make 10 years ago and I feel like we will be digging out from them FOREVER. We might. <br /><br />I would love to have a debt free life, but it seems so far away it is impossible. I do also know that once we have no debt that we will be able to have the life we want. I may be able to stay at home at least part time, but those things that seem so far away are not very good motivators for me. I don't know what to do.Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06216425669160584595noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1799278781766591981.post-56976231066700882642010-04-22T09:01:00.002-04:002010-04-22T09:22:04.724-04:00Progress?So I realize that it is only Thursday, but so far things are going pretty well. The house is mostly clean (except for the office). We have eaten at home. Last night B did run to the store to pick food up. However, turkey sandwiches and potato chips, while not the most nutritionally sound meal, was 1000 times better than a big plate of greasy Chinese food. There is still food in the fridge for dinner tonight and lunches tomorrow. If we can just keep it up. I know we will be going out once if not twice this weekend. My sister is visiting so we have a babysitter and B and I are going out. Then we may end up going out with some people from B's work on Sunday night. I just know after work tomorrow is going to be HARD. It will be a long day and then with J there just picking up something will be easier. Maybe I can plan to make homemade pizza. I guess I need to go to the store since the girl is weird and won't eat half the stuff we have in the house. Plus we are out of cereal again. How does a family of 3 eat so much cereal! <br /><br />Tonight I have a playgroup mom's night out thing. I always get so nervous about going somewhere strange, but I generally have a good time. Then I need to come home and have a laundry marathon! I wanted to go to the farmers market, but it looks like it is going to storm this weekend. We NEED the rain, so I am not going to complain about it.Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06216425669160584595noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1799278781766591981.post-29505171188624745512010-04-19T19:51:00.002-04:002010-04-19T20:18:38.699-04:00FrustrationSo after having "symptoms" for over a week I was shocked to discover that I am not pregnant. I spent most of the weekend crying off and on. X spoiled us since we got pregnant right away. I really thought I would be okay if it didn't happen right away, so I am surprised at how depressed all of this has made me. I am usually used to getting my way. I am having a hard time seeing this as an opportunity. It is an opportunity to get healthier before I get pregnant. B and I still say we want to start eating better, yet we don't. It will give us more time to save money, because no matter when I have a baby I am going to have to take time off unpaid next time around. I am still unsure if we will try again this month. I ordered some ovulation tests so I know when I ovulate, but we may just use that information to avoid it for the next few months. I am terrified that we will not be able to get pregnant easily. <br />I know my health/ weight is a huge factor and probably the key. With X I had been working out, we were eating really well and I had lost about 20 lbs that year. I just can't seem to get B on board. He is so stressed and we are both tired and so much of the time picking something up is just much easier than cooking at home. <br />I am trying to get better this week. I roasted a chicken, made spaghetti sauce, pasta and rice so we have meals ready to go.Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06216425669160584595noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1799278781766591981.post-61607666611289767312010-04-14T09:17:00.002-04:002010-04-14T09:26:27.775-04:00Long time No update.It's been a few weeks. B and I are still trying our lists. The tasks on them have not all gotten accomplished, but for the most part there has been less arguing over who needs to do what, which is nice. It will take time to get used to things. Hopefully by June we will have it all worked out. <br /><br />On the baby #2 front, I have no news to report.....yet. We decided to go ahead and try this month since I was on an antibiotic and there was no point in taking the pill while on medicine that would essentially negate its effects this month. I am impatient to find out, so impatient I ordered some very inexpensive tests online so I can test everyday from now until Sunday! Crazy, probably. I tell myself that I shouldn't get too excited there is so much working against us. 1)how likely is it that it works on the first try AGAIN 2)I'm nursing still 3) B's medicine may make him temporarily sterile, obviously last time that wasn't the case. <br />I feel like I will be a little disappointing if it doesn't happen because a Christmas baby would be fun. But I also feel that if it doesn't happen then it isn't the right time for us and I can take the next few months to focus on eating better and exercising and loosing some weight and we can try again in July/ August.Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06216425669160584595noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1799278781766591981.post-613785002555025862010-03-22T10:37:00.003-04:002010-03-22T10:47:47.245-04:00My head is too full.........of random thoughts. I flit from one idea to the next. There are So many projects I keep coming up with. I think a fence might be affordable if we do it ourselves. We need to measure the back yard. Then I keep finding tables and umbrella sets I want. I am excited there was a really nice table at Lowe's for $88, though the chairs are a bit high and we would have to slowly buy those. There is one at target for $60 with more affordable chairs...but I am not sure I love the glass top. The Lowes table is iron mesh so water flows through it. We have also debated putting up a few fence panels along the drive way patio area for privacy sake and then putting a whole fence in next year. I am not sure what the best solution is. I know we need to do something out back to define the "patio" area so we have somewhere to put a table and chairs. I bought some spray paint for the mailbox. Hopefully it is dry next Saturday. The plan is to clean the box Saturday morning then after the mail comes take it off and paint it. If the paint works it will look awesome.... it is supposed to look like hammered copper. I may try the light before I try the mail box if I get the chance. The shed needs to get cleaned out and organized at some point too, but that can wait on the rest of the houses. B plans to remove and re mulch the flower bed out front. I really want to plant a tree in the yard once the stump is removed AND azaleas on the back hill...and day lillys. Mom might have some she can thin out for me<br /><br />My list from this weeked<br />1) Dust<br />2) Vacuum the rest of the house<br />3)Wash sheets<br />4)Wash clothes - THE ONLY THING THAT GOT DONE<br />5)Plan Menu for the week<br />6)Clear out junk in office<br />7)Organize cabinets in kitchen: food cabinet, under sink and the drawers.<br /><br />So I am a little obsessed with Apartment Therapy. I have decide to participate in their 8 week home Cure. That being said I have MANY project I want to accomplish by the end of the 8 weeks to make the house a nicer, happier and more functional place to live.<br /><br />Here is what I would like to accomplish by room:<br />LIVING ROOM: Clean under all furniture, De-clutter bookcases, reorganize closet, clean baseboards and scuffs off walls, and Hang curtains higher.<br /><br />KITCHEN: clean and keep clean, organize pantry, organize cabinets and drawers. Perhaps install pull out drawers in the under sink cabinet to give easier access. I also would love to put some colorful paper in the back of a few cabinets.<br /><br />LAUNDRY - Need to balance washer and dryer, organize the cabinets, sweep laundry detergent off the floor, wipe out washer, clean lint under dryer and on exhaust tube. I would like to find a cart that would fit between to washer and dryer.<br /><br />X's ROOM - eventually we will swap his room with the office so baby #2 (still in the planning phase now) will have space to scare with him. I need to clean his closet, put away some old clothing and also had thought about painting/ papering his bookcase for a pop of color.<br /><br />OFFICE - clean, clean, clean.<br /><br />BEDROOM - We would like to add a wardrobe of some sort just trying to figure out what would look best, as well as what to do with the bookcases if we do.<br /><br />BATHROOM - Re- caulk the tub, clean, wash shower curtain, more curtain rod...maybe buy new shower curtain.<br /><br />OTHER: Paint mailbox, plant flowers, paint light, touch up trim paint, clean windows, clean scuffs on wall.Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06216425669160584595noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1799278781766591981.post-18662395787327672112010-03-20T22:50:00.002-04:002010-03-20T23:11:12.910-04:00We got some things accomplished today. Here is the run down.<br /><br />1)Bought a vacuum, and vacuumed the mattress....it was gross to see what it pulled out of the bed.<br />2)Bought paint and other odds and ends to work on various projects around the house<br />3)Furnace filter changed<br />4)New bench for kitchen assembled, now we just need to decide where it goes.<br />5)We managed to eat at home so far this weekend, which IS an accomplishment for us. <br />6)Folded and put away laundry<br /><br />To do tomorrow<br />1) Dust<br />2) Vacuum the rest of the house<br />3)Wash sheets<br />4)Wash clothes<br />5)Plan Menu for the week<br />6)Clear out junk in office<br />7)Organize cabinets in kitchen: food cabinet, under sink and the drawers.<br /><br />So I am a little obsessed with Apartment Therapy. I have decide to participate in their 8 week home Cure. That being said I have MANY project I want to accomplish by the end of the 8 weeks to make the house a nicer, happier and more functional place to live. <br /><br />Here is what I would like to accomplish by room:<br />LIVING ROOM: Clean under all furniture, De-clutter bookcases, reorganize closet, clean baseboards and scuffs off walls, and Hang curtains higher. <br /><br />KITCHEN: clean and keep clean, organize pantry, organize cabinets and drawers. Perhaps install pull out drawers in the under sink cabinet to give easier access. I also would love to put some colorful paper in the back of a few cabinets. <br /><br />LAUNDRY - Need to balance washer and dryer, organize the cabinets, sweep laundry detergent off the floor, wipe out washer, clean lint under dryer and on exhaust tube. I would like to find a cart that would fit between to washer and dryer.<br /><br />X's ROOM - eventually we will swap his room with the office so baby #2 (still in the planning phase now) will have space to scare with him. I need to clean his closet, put away some old clothing and also had thought about painting/ papering his bookcase for a pop of color. <br /><br />OFFICE - clean, clean, clean. <br /><br />BEDROOM - We would like to add a wardrobe of some sort just trying to figure out what would look best, as well as what to do with the bookcases if we do.<br /><br />BATHROOM - Re- caulk the tub, clean, wash shower curtain, more curtain rod...maybe buy new shower curtain.<br /><br />OTHER: Paint mailbox, plant flowers, paint light, touch up trim paint, clean windows, clean scuffs on wall.Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06216425669160584595noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1799278781766591981.post-90195877891241712502010-03-18T09:47:00.004-04:002010-03-18T10:34:30.414-04:00Change is Slow.It has only been about 36 hours since I tried to kick my rear in gear. Change is slow. I need to be okay with that. B and I ended up eating out for lunch yesterday while running an errand. But lunches were already packed and ready to go for today. B has been very stressed because he is taking the GRE today. Hopefully once that is over we can get things back on track. I know he needs to work on school work too. <br /><br />We have a leaking toilet that needs to be addressed...as in leaking from the bottom, which doesn't sound good. Also I think the house smells. I can't wait to throw open the windows this evening and all weekend and just give everything a good scrub down. I think we will buy a new vacuum this weekend. The expense seems a little odd when I am trying to save money, but the last time I used our 6 year old one it started smoking....and I hate it. I have been having trouble breathing lately and I think a really deep clean will help me feel better. <br /><br />Motivation is my problem. Last night for example I was SO tired and had to take my inhaler again. B went back into work for overtime so I was left alone to care for the wee one. He wore me out. Then once I put X to bed I couldn't get started. I would flit from room to room. Walk in the kitchen....the pile by the pantry is suck a heap of canned goods and things we bought at Ikea I can't even walk over there. Then walk into the bedroom. It depressed me too....giant heap of clean laundry in a basket. Walk back into the kitchen to get a drink....sink FULL of dirty dishes. We really haven't started the taking turns idea of taking care of various chores around the house yet because the dishes still have not been done from B's first "turn". So then I go to the office. It is also a giant heap. So I start picking things up, but really 25% of the stuff is desk stuff that is sitting on or under the desk, 25% is clothing that I picked up and put away. The other 50% is miscellaneous JUNK. Some I can put away, but most of it is crap that B is storing which needs to go elsewhere. Honestly if the Bag of goodwill clothing, the 2 boxes of books, and boxes of old telephones and speakers were gone it would look like a normal room. Yes the bookcase would still need organized and the giant pile of pillows and blankets need a home to live in. It is a tiny bit cleaner and I did manage to clean a box of candle holders. Most of the pillar candles that when with the holders are so covered with soot from the fireplace in the last apartment that they were not salvageable in any form that resembled a candle. <br /><br />I am trying to decide when to move X's bedroom. We know that eventually the office will be his room (and hopefully baby #2's as well) and his room will become the office, as long as we can find some way to fit a bed/ futon in the office. It is a small room so arranging furniture is tough. I really thing the best thing would be to wait until we can put a wardrobe in the bedroom, that my clothing can go in. That would free up an entire closet so many of the things out in the office could be put away in the closet once we switch rooms.Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06216425669160584595noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1799278781766591981.post-38499732903396537472010-03-16T14:46:00.002-04:002010-03-16T15:07:37.099-04:00Fed UpI am fed up again. Why am I continually frustrated by the fact I KNOW what I need to do, I just always fail to do it? I keep repeating the same behaviors and wanting things to be different, yet I do nothing to change it. <br /><br />I need to be better at everything. Making healthy meals at home, exercising regularly, keeping a handle on spending, paying off bills aggressively, saving money for the future, keeping the house clean. I feel like if any of those pieces could fall into place....then everything else would follow. I just can't seem to get anything to stick. I have had a hard time finding the motivation as well. Now I have new motivation, the same motivation that got us on track 3 years ago. I wanted a baby. So I lost 30 lbs, paid off a few thousand in debt. I did not suddenly learn how to keep the house clean or stick with healthy eating and exercise once morning sickness hit. That is really what drove me to improve though. And now I am wanting another baby and wanting the best for the tiny man at home maybe that will be my motivation to change. To be the put-together, happy, healthy, loves to exercise, frugal, active, fun Mama I can be. <br /><br />I look at pictures of people from high school and college on facebook. Pictures of people with families, with multiple kids and I think "are we really old enough for that yet" I am not old I'm 28. But I remember as I was getting ready to get married at 22 that 30 seemed really old and far away. So much closer to it, 30 really doesn't seem that old now. Even so I am celebrating 28 for the second time this year ;). <br /><br />So this is it. This year I am going to be different. I am going to try and Run a 5k in August. I am going to plan on getting pregnant in the next 12 months. I am going to enjoy my life, my family, my son and I will be better for them. I will not let myself get discouraged when things don't go as planned. I am not perfect I will mess up, things will go wrong. It will be okay no mater what. If I at least TRY to be different in a year I can look back and say "well I really tried" instead of looking back and feeling frustrated because I am stuck in the same place I was before.Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06216425669160584595noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1799278781766591981.post-50867475424068712952010-03-15T14:24:00.004-04:002010-03-16T15:13:47.824-04:00Maybe baby?After a pregnancy scare...scare is the wrong word because I was okay with the prospect last month, baby #2 has seriously been on my and B's minds. The plan was to either wait until August or September to try and get a may or June baby or wait until February/March to try for a December-ish baby. Somehow today we got talking about trying for a this Christmas baby?!!?!?! I don't hate the idea. Though this all started with me feeling overwhelmed with being a mom. I am just tired. I feel like I have been "on" for 18 months. And the days I wasn't I was too sick to care. So why in the world am I know contemplating a baby 6 to 12 months sooner than the original plan? I want to be able to go on vacation, hopefully to a beach. If we had a baby this year then by next June I would have enough vacation days to take and a 6 month old that still is easy to travel with. We have been waiting to go until X was easier to travel with, able to go and not eat the sand. But if we wait and have a 2011 spring baby we are at least a year from going to the beach and then we would have to take a 1 year old and a nearly 4 year old. Not sure how that would work.Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06216425669160584595noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1799278781766591981.post-14061771235055089112010-03-14T22:44:00.002-04:002010-03-14T22:56:16.260-04:00Weekend UpdateSo what did I manage to accomplish on my todo list this weekend. <br /><br />1)<span style="font-weight:bold;">Closet Re-Organizing -</span> DONE, for the most part. I have to see how it all works and how functional it is, but there is space leftover, which is always a good feeling.<br />2)<span style="font-weight:bold;">Move Bed</span> - DONE, it feels so much more open I can't wait to sleep in there tonight.<br />3) <span style="font-weight:bold;">Organize pantry</span>. To Do. I did stock up on things so I hope to get to it this week so I can put my 7 boxes of cereal and 24 cans of fruit and veggies away<br />4) <span style="font-weight:bold;">3K</span> It rained, and we are fat and lazy.<br />5)<span style="font-weight:bold;">IKEA</span> - It was a mildly disappointing trip. We decided we don't like most of the couches we were thinking about. We have a few plans for some projects (more closet storage..yay!)<br />6) <span style="font-weight:bold;">Make Bread.</span> Not enough time<br />7) Make some food to freeze. Pumpkin pancakes are my current plan. They are yummy and a bit more dense than your average pancake...and they are lower in fat that regular pancakes and contain a vegetable... how can you beat that!<br />8) <span style="font-weight:bold;">Watch a movie with B.</span> Yes, we saw "Whip It" It was cute<br />9) <span style="font-weight:bold;">caulk the d*%& tub</span>! No, I don't want to talk about it right now.<br />10) <span style="font-weight:bold;">Convince B to crawl under the house and change the furnace filter.</span> I resorted to bribery, but have yet to see results.<br /><br />So not the most productive weekend ever. Ikea took most of yesterday. We still are up in the air about a new couch and what the biggest priority is. Is a chaise, the price, the look or a sleeper sofa the most important thing to us? I am not sure. <br />Tomorrow is Monday. I guess I need to get my act together and get stuff ready.Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06216425669160584595noreply@blogger.com0