I have been trying so hard to “let go and let God”, to believe that my time table and plans for having another child are not important. I was doing okay until reality hit today. My cycle was running “late-ish” but with no real symptoms of anything, I was starting to get optimistic. About 2 minutes after I noticed a co-worker was obviously,glowingly, roundly pregnant, seemingly overnight, I got the confirmation that I would not be having a “birthday baby” as I had accidentally named try # 11. Every month it is a different baby that I imagine….a different birth date I wish for based on the season of holidays surrounding it. So we are at month #12 and never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I would be here. At the end of next month I have an appointment with the OB and we will see what happens after that. I imagine some tests and maybe some drugs to make me ovulate.
The thing that amazes me in all of this, in trying to let go is now that I am sad and crying about no “birthday baby” I also feel guilty that by being sad and disappointed I am not trusting God’s plan for our family. B and I joke that maybe they will put me on clomid and I will get the twin girls I have dreams about. I really need to see this as an opportunity to lose some more weight, get in better shape, and not be sick as a dog for the 5K on B’s Birthday (or the scrapbook retreat!). Sometimes it is just easier said than done.
I have so much to be thankful for. I have a beautiful little boy, who is smart and sweet and more amazing than I ever dreamed; a husband that is loving and supportive of all my endevors, even when they include me leaving for the weekend to go scrapbook. I have found a church home and a community to belong to. Life is good. I even managed to walk 3 miles at the gym last Saturday!!! Life is good and I need to remember that.



I am so lost in my own head. I can not get the CRHP weekend out of my brain. The whole weekend was stressful, emotional, overwhelming. I still have not processed it all I am not sure how to even being processing it all. All of the sadness and despair and hurt and pain it Is amazing to see these women who shared their stories thriving and happy and things that I think…how in the world would you ever survive that and still have faith….they do. The surly rebel in me wants to call them naive and stupid and simple to continue having Faith to continue believing….I think that is the same part of myself that is terrified if I have faith, unwavering child like faith then I will have my world knocked upside down. That is what I have the most difficulty dealing with all of the pain in the world, death, sadness, suffering….why is it there….if God loves us why do we suffer. I have seen so much around me…. It hurts my heart to see it, but I think the reason it hurts so much is because I am afraid. I have had a blessed life and I can’t help but wonder “ when is it my turn” When will my turn come to deal with the unbearable, unimaginable, to struggle through heartache or some terrible situation. I guess this has been a lesson in IF my time of immense trial comes (not when there are no guarantees) it matters how I handle it and how I face it. Our motto of “we’ll be where we are supposed to be” is very similar to the phrase “let go and let God” that I heard all weekend. It is so hard to trust that idea, especially when I feel like trusting that idea leaves me open and vulnerable to all that is bad in the world…like I have an extra big target on my back.
What I have found is that I do love being Catholic, the ceremony, the prayers. Hearing a room full of amazing women singing and praying together was inspiring. I have missed church, I have missed belonging. That which was keeping me away no longer does, well part of it anyway. I discovered that reconciliation isn't the antiquated practice I thought it was (but really what does an 11 year old know!) but something very comforting. The sense of relief of asking for forgiveness for something I couldn't forgive myself for was refreshing maybe even empowering (is that the right word) The weight of the world left my shoulders in that chapel. Even know though the “real world Me” looks back at that experience a short 4 days ago and wonders “ did I imagine it…you sound a little crazy….or down right ridiculous”
I almost left. By Saturday afternoon what was asked of me was too much, to hard to bear. How selfish of me to be so self involved that I couldn't get over myself. I feel like something broke….maybe broke is the wrong word…unwrapped….but in a more violent painful way …like picking a giant scab off my soul (such a gross image) or a wall… or reminds me of the red wax on a piece of cheese and it was peeled away and what is left is soft and pliable…. So what shape do I take…..what is next for me… where do I go from here. I crave time to be alone and think and pray…. I am so excited to go to church on Sunday and participate and I feel like I have to halves to myself….the church self and the regular normal self and I can’t connect the two…. The normal self still judges everything the church self thinks and says with cynicism and disdain…with a touch of mistrust. I feel lost…. But like maybe I have an idea of where the map is.