I have been trying so hard to “let go and let God”, to believe that my time table and plans for having another child are not important. I was doing okay until reality hit today. My cycle was running “late-ish” but with no real symptoms of anything, I was starting to get optimistic. About 2 minutes after I noticed a co-worker was obviously,glowingly, roundly pregnant, seemingly overnight, I got the confirmation that I would not be having a “birthday baby” as I had accidentally named try # 11. Every month it is a different baby that I imagine….a different birth date I wish for based on the season of holidays surrounding it. So we are at month #12 and never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I would be here. At the end of next month I have an appointment with the OB and we will see what happens after that. I imagine some tests and maybe some drugs to make me ovulate.
The thing that amazes me in all of this, in trying to let go is now that I am sad and crying about no “birthday baby” I also feel guilty that by being sad and disappointed I am not trusting God’s plan for our family. B and I joke that maybe they will put me on clomid and I will get the twin girls I have dreams about. I really need to see this as an opportunity to lose some more weight, get in better shape, and not be sick as a dog for the 5K on B’s Birthday (or the scrapbook retreat!). Sometimes it is just easier said than done.
I have so much to be thankful for. I have a beautiful little boy, who is smart and sweet and more amazing than I ever dreamed; a husband that is loving and supportive of all my endevors, even when they include me leaving for the weekend to go scrapbook. I have found a church home and a community to belong to. Life is good. I even managed to walk 3 miles at the gym last Saturday!!! Life is good and I need to remember that.