Starting over, once again.

In spectacular Slacker Mommy fashion I have slacked off from even bothering to remember this blog that no one reads. I often find myself here typing when I can't figure out what is going on in my life. The last six months have been a time of such immense change....it all started last September really. The change has been much more spiritual than anything else and really it now shapes so much of how I view my life. That is probably a post for another day.

I am once again struggling with the desire to do it all, to be supermom, to be a good wife and take care of everyone and am falling way short. I am tired, I am angry that I feel like the last few days I have done nothing but cook and negotiate with a whining almost 3 year old, who when not up to some trouble is asking "why" incessantly. I have been short tempered and angry with both X and B. I am having difficulty knowing at what point do I get to be angry about B's lack of help. I know he is stressed and tired, but I so am I! The house is a wreck, there is not a clean dish in the kitchen and seriously he just sits on the couch and WAITS for me to bring him a plate. I want to scream and yell. I want to start a fight. I want to win. Though I know none of that is the right thing to do. What is? Keep cleaning and cooking until I can't anymore because I am so tired? I try to keep reminding myself of the story of Jesus washing the apostles feet and keep that attitude of service in my heart while I take care of my family and do things I do not enjoy doing.
I can't do it all on my own. Ha! That is so true, but perhaps I am not asking for help from the right person.


I have been trying so hard to “let go and let God”, to believe that my time table and plans for having another child are not important. I was doing okay until reality hit today. My cycle was running “late-ish” but with no real symptoms of anything, I was starting to get optimistic. About 2 minutes after I noticed a co-worker was obviously,glowingly, roundly pregnant, seemingly overnight, I got the confirmation that I would not be having a “birthday baby” as I had accidentally named try # 11. Every month it is a different baby that I imagine….a different birth date I wish for based on the season of holidays surrounding it. So we are at month #12 and never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I would be here. At the end of next month I have an appointment with the OB and we will see what happens after that. I imagine some tests and maybe some drugs to make me ovulate.
The thing that amazes me in all of this, in trying to let go is now that I am sad and crying about no “birthday baby” I also feel guilty that by being sad and disappointed I am not trusting God’s plan for our family. B and I joke that maybe they will put me on clomid and I will get the twin girls I have dreams about. I really need to see this as an opportunity to lose some more weight, get in better shape, and not be sick as a dog for the 5K on B’s Birthday (or the scrapbook retreat!). Sometimes it is just easier said than done.
I have so much to be thankful for. I have a beautiful little boy, who is smart and sweet and more amazing than I ever dreamed; a husband that is loving and supportive of all my endevors, even when they include me leaving for the weekend to go scrapbook. I have found a church home and a community to belong to. Life is good. I even managed to walk 3 miles at the gym last Saturday!!! Life is good and I need to remember that.



I am so lost in my own head. I can not get the CRHP weekend out of my brain. The whole weekend was stressful, emotional, overwhelming. I still have not processed it all I am not sure how to even being processing it all. All of the sadness and despair and hurt and pain it Is amazing to see these women who shared their stories thriving and happy and things that I think…how in the world would you ever survive that and still have faith….they do. The surly rebel in me wants to call them naive and stupid and simple to continue having Faith to continue believing….I think that is the same part of myself that is terrified if I have faith, unwavering child like faith then I will have my world knocked upside down. That is what I have the most difficulty dealing with all of the pain in the world, death, sadness, suffering….why is it there….if God loves us why do we suffer. I have seen so much around me…. It hurts my heart to see it, but I think the reason it hurts so much is because I am afraid. I have had a blessed life and I can’t help but wonder “ when is it my turn” When will my turn come to deal with the unbearable, unimaginable, to struggle through heartache or some terrible situation. I guess this has been a lesson in IF my time of immense trial comes (not when there are no guarantees) it matters how I handle it and how I face it. Our motto of “we’ll be where we are supposed to be” is very similar to the phrase “let go and let God” that I heard all weekend. It is so hard to trust that idea, especially when I feel like trusting that idea leaves me open and vulnerable to all that is bad in the world…like I have an extra big target on my back.
What I have found is that I do love being Catholic, the ceremony, the prayers. Hearing a room full of amazing women singing and praying together was inspiring. I have missed church, I have missed belonging. That which was keeping me away no longer does, well part of it anyway. I discovered that reconciliation isn't the antiquated practice I thought it was (but really what does an 11 year old know!) but something very comforting. The sense of relief of asking for forgiveness for something I couldn't forgive myself for was refreshing maybe even empowering (is that the right word) The weight of the world left my shoulders in that chapel. Even know though the “real world Me” looks back at that experience a short 4 days ago and wonders “ did I imagine it…you sound a little crazy….or down right ridiculous”
I almost left. By Saturday afternoon what was asked of me was too much, to hard to bear. How selfish of me to be so self involved that I couldn't get over myself. I feel like something broke….maybe broke is the wrong word…unwrapped….but in a more violent painful way …like picking a giant scab off my soul (such a gross image) or a wall… or reminds me of the red wax on a piece of cheese and it was peeled away and what is left is soft and pliable…. So what shape do I take…..what is next for me… where do I go from here. I crave time to be alone and think and pray…. I am so excited to go to church on Sunday and participate and I feel like I have to halves to myself….the church self and the regular normal self and I can’t connect the two…. The normal self still judges everything the church self thinks and says with cynicism and disdain…with a touch of mistrust. I feel lost…. But like maybe I have an idea of where the map is.


30 days of cooking at home: Days 6,7 and 8

Day 6 - out to lunch we ended up spending WAY more at a sitdown restaurant than subway would have been. I have zero will power when B pouts. We did manage to eat BBQ at home again.

Day 7 - I have not been to the store in a week, we were running low and instead of having pancakes or eggs like I suggested B says "I'll clean the whole kitchen and then we will get chinese food" Like usual we get chinese food and the kitchen is still a MESS.

Day 8 - Tired of BBQ for 3 days in a row at one point or another we have Subway. It is healthier and cheaper than the other meals we have... but we still are not cooking at home! Tonight is Pancakes for dinner.

We have decided after reading a lot about it and having previously realized the benefits of the "dirt diet" to give up processed foods. Seriously nothing that comes in a box that has more than 5 ingredients, no sugar or white flour. It will be hard. We have done it before and actually had just started it when I got pregnant with X. So I started wondering if that is the secret ingredient to getting pregnant again. At any rate it can't hurt. So Friday B and I are taking off work and cooking, cooking, cooking. My plan is to have all the meat for our food precooked and frozen for later use. The thinking is if it is already done and all I have to do is throw in a pan or salad or on some rice and dinner is ready than our no processed food plan might work.
Obviously we will have some sugar on Thanksgiving, but we are going to see how well we can stick to it. I learned that triscuits fall in the 5 ingredient rule so having something a little indulgent/ carb like seems like this will appease me when I am eating salads for lunch.


30 days of cooking: Days 4 and 5

So this whole eating at home thing this weekend was a complete failure, Thai Food for lunch after running errands on Saturday, McDonald's for Dinner and Pizza for lunch on Saturday. Did anything get cooked? No, unless you count cereal. The house is a wreck.

I should have known better that having a huge project we should have had some cold cuts around or something easy to eat this weekend that was already made. The office IS painted. The color is beautiful. The big furniture was put pack in the room and the shelves hung up high. It looks great so far. I am going to try to add things in slowly so it isn't a giant heap, but a nice room, that is done. Hopefully we get the futon frame painted this week so it can go into the room next week.

B and I did nothing but argue, we seem to be on different wavelengths again. I know we need to dialogue, but neither of us seems to want to start it. I am not sure why. I have a lot of sad feelings I am dealing with and B complains that everything I talk about is negative.

So are we going to do better today, no we are going out for lunch. We are having Subway though because we both feel gross after all the junk we had this weekend.

One bright spot to the weekend, other than we did get a lot accomplished we had Movie night with X. It was so much fun. We watched Toy Story 3. He only payed attention to about half of it, but his reactions to parts of it were so funny. He was begging last night to watch a "moobie". I think it is something we should deffinately do once or twice a month.


30 days of cooking: Day 3 and weekend illusions of grandeur

SO on the heels of last nights failure hopefully I can manange to cook tonight. B is going to a basketball game. I personally would rather gouge my eyes out with a rusty spoon than sit with 20,000 people at a game. So X and I are on our own. I am going to attempt to make us scrambled eggs sandwiches. "Samiches" as X calls them, the boy is obsessed with "samiches". I also hope to cook the pork loin that has failed to make it into the crockpot for 3 nights now. Then we will have yummy BBQ to eat this weekend.

As for other weekend plans. I have grand HGTV plans where we will get the entire office redone and turned into a guestroom/ office by sunday evening. I know better but I can't still help but fantasize about it. I also want to surprise B and get the first coat on the wall while he is at the game. I am not sure there are enough hours between bedtime and the end of the game to make that happen. We shall see.