9.24.2009

Frustration

Why can't things that I need to get done be done. Why can't B do what needs to be done. I spent all day Saturday cooking lots of food to freeze and make life easier. I got sick on Sunday and he took care of X. It is Wednesday now and the kitchen is still FILTHY. IT SMELLS. And honestly I feel like it should not be my responsibility. B is supposed to do dishes. I am so upset about it I am still awake at 1:30 am. I have to get up for work in 4 hours. My sister is coming on Friday. Every night I expect him to help around the house he is either so absorbed in the TV I cant even get him to answer a question or he falls asleep and is so out of it I can not get him to wake up.

I know he does a lot. He gets up and gets things going in the AM. He makes our lunches and most of the time gets the wee one ready for the day. He does the yard work, but really it is about once every 3 weeks. I pay the bills, plan the budget, make a menu, grocery shop, wash diapers. I am the only one that comes up with and chops up all of X's food.

9.16.2009

You win some you lose some.

Well it has been a week and what progress have I made so far?

1) I want to be organized and put together. Both at home and work. Currently the house is a disaster, my desk at work is a mess and I look like a 45 year old woman, and I am not quite 28.

I bought some new clothes this weekend, some new potions for my skin. I put earrings in and have been wearing some lip gloss on in the morning. I feel better about myself....just a few changes. I am also getting my hair cut for the first time in 2 years tomorrow.

2) I want to be able to focus on what I am doing not worrying about every other task in my head. Sitting and writing this is hard because I have 10 other ideas of things I want to do.

B and I have a spreadsheet on google documents with our 3 goals for the day at both home and work and our goal for the week. The first day it kept me focused, yesterday not so much and today it remains to be seen. I like the idea though, to only have a few things to worry with instead of all the clutter in my head.

3) I want to improve myself. Not only be more put together and look better, but to put time into what I enjoy. I would like to explore my faith/ beliefs, work on scrapbooks, get back into cooking, and maybe find some type of exercise that makes me have more energy

See #1 I want to get the house picked up and start doing yoga again. I am debating going to a knitting group at church.

4) I want to save more, spend less and not feel deprived. I am trying very hard to reduce our frivolous spending so we can pay off bills and live the life we want. I really need to sit down with B and discuss this with him.

Really need to work on this. Currently I am the only voice of reason when it comes to spending money, and I am easily swayed by B. I need to sit down and discuss our goals, I keep putting it off because B tends to get defensive. This is imperative it happens; we have car repairs and possibly owe taxes this year.

5) I want to be more on the ball at work. I lack focus and tend to get side tracked. Luckily due to some situations at work, things are slow. I feel like I am just sliding by. Needing to find a new job may still be a very real possibility in the next year. I have slacked since getting pregnant. Perhaps feeling accomplished at work will give me the energy I need to stay motivated in the evenings.

#1 addresses this

6) B and I need to find time for each other. He has been very affectionate and sweet lately. It has been nice. I still find myself trying to find reasons to be angry with him. That is not good.

We are back in roommate mode. It is not fun. I miss B. He is just a grouch, but he tends to get this way when the seasons change. Something needs to change, but I don't even know where to begin.

9.10.2009

And here I go again!

August flew by in a swirl of busyness and sickness. X had an ear infection and ended up at home for 4 days. Then I was sick for over a week. All of my goals and plans never came to fruition. I did manage to have a yard sale, B ran his first race, and X's birthday was a success. Then we went on vacation last weekend. We have not had a weekend free since the beginning of August. My little sister J is having freshman roommate drama so she is coming to stay this weekend.

Maybe I am going about this all the wrong way, expecting everything at once. Though everything goes through my head at once. What is that I hope to achieve? How long until I reach that goal? What do I need to do to get there? There are SO many things where do I begin?

1) I want to be organized and put together. Both at home and work. Currently the house is a disaster, my desk at work is a mess and I look like a 45 year old woman, and I am not quite 28.

2) I want to be able to focus on what I am doing not worrying about every other task in my head. Sitting and writing this is hard because I have 10 other ideas of things I want to do.

3) I want to improve myself. Not only be more put together and look better, but to put time into what I enjoy. I would like to explore my faith/ beliefs, work on scrapbooks, get back into cooking, and maybe find some type of exercise that makes me have more energy

4) I want to save more, spend less and not feel deprived. I am trying very hard to reduce our frivolous spending so we can pay off bills and live the life we want. I really need to sit down with B and discuss this with him.

5) I want to be more on the ball at work. I lack focus and tend to get side tracked. Luckily due to some situations at work, things are slow. I feel like I am just sliding by. Needing to find a new job may still be a very real possibility in the next year. I have slacked since getting pregnant. Perhaps feeling accomplished at work will give me the energy I need to stay motivated in the evenings.

6) B and I need to find time for each other. He has been very affectionate and sweet lately. It has been nice. I still find myself trying to find reasons to be angry with him. That is not good.

There are so many other things, but this is probably more than enough to start with.

I have 2 choices. Things can stay the same or they can change. I am giving myself until Christmas. That is a little over 100 days. So how do I begin? I tend to like to jump in head first, but we can see how well that works. Though baby steps I see no progress and get frustrated and give up.