Gratitude

As I was sitting outside this AM eating breakfast because it was so unbearably hot in our sauna, I mean house with a broken AC. I Enjoyed the cooler air and heard the birds chirp as the sun was streaming through the trees. I swear I could see some vapor rising out of the grass as the sun warmed the damp blades. It made me stop an be thankful, for all that I have. I am where I always wanted to be.
So many times in my life I would get frustrated because I knew the goal, but I could not see how we were ever going to get there. I remember wanting a baby and not being entirely sure if we could afford it and feeling like I had to choose between a baby and buying a house. Well we had a baby and then bought a house. Honestly 2 years ago when I was pregnant if anyone had ever told me we would have been able to buy a house when X was 5 months old I would have thought they were crazy; at that point I was wondering how we were going to manage daycare. We have lived in that house for over a year now and sometimes it is frustrating. It is also nice to realize that it is OURS. To paint and re-do and unfortunately repair when it breaks. So in 2 years we have managed to accomplish 2 of our goals and bought a car too. I am thankful for those things. I am also thankful that MIL watches DS for us. This has freed up money we would have been spending on daycare to allow us to be in a better place. Yes the A/c breaking is not great, but the impact something that was THAT expensive having on us 2 or 3 years ago and now is different. I know that we can pay for it. It is nice to be in that place. My future goal is to be in a place where not only can we afford a repair like that, but we can afford to do it in cash. That will be the day I will know we have made it. Like usual, that is in our future, and I can't fully see how to get there.
I need to be grateful for what I have more often, instead of trying to see ahead to the next thing.
What am I grateful for today?
*X said his longest sentence so far "Hi, I Sees Mama!"
*We have a house and a car and everything we need, and also many things we want
*The tiny boy of mine who climbs in our bed every morning with enthusiasm, giggles and "tisses"

Slacker Mommy take 4 or 5 or 6.

Again I have grand plans for writing the blog to hold myself accountable for all the goals I have in my life, and I never manage to get past start. I think I need to write daily to get into the habit of keeping up with the blog. I have so many areas of interest health, financial, cooking, saving money, decorating, being productive at work, taking care of myself and my family. Having so many things to worry with make it hard to nail down exactly what I want or need to write about. I think for a few weeks I will write what comes to me, and after that, perhaps I will have a schedule of weekly topics that cover the various aspects of my life.
I started this blog because I was tired of feeling stuck and overwhelmed. Here I am 12.5 months later and I am not sure much has changed yet. I still feel like I have more to do than can ever get done and that I spend more time working than I do on all the other parts of my life combined. I have some plans in the works.
1) the house is just about done, hopefully in a few more weeks I will have everything cleaned out and organized and can post some before and after pictures.
2) B and I are training for a 5K. I think I will only be able to walk it, but I really am going to give it my best shot. It is 2 months from now. I want to see how far I can walk on my own right now and then I will come up with a schedule of weekly goals.

The 5K makes me nervous. I am terrified I won't be able to do it, or my lungs won't cooperate. We have decided to give TTC a break for at least a month while I get ready because training for it while pregnant would not be fun. This also scares me. I really thought I would get pregnant right away. I just don't want to still be trying 6 months from now. I am trying to see this as a "it will happen when it's supposed to happen" event. I know in my head that it would be better if I was at a healthier weight, but I really want to know another baby is on the way.

Pantry and No Spend month.

In an endeavor to save as much as possible May will be eat out of the pantry and no spending month. And since we need every penny we are starting today, 5 days before May.

So I will post spending and meals Every day for the next 36 days. I can't spend absolutely nothing. Mother's day is this month. I will make dinner for MIL. And I will think of something to do for my mom. Also I am making dinner for a playgroup mom on Sunday. I am about 99% sure the only expense will be a package of chicken breast and containers to deliver the meal in, and B,X and I will get dinner from that meal as well. The last known expense will be toilet paper and tampons...they are necessary but should come in under $10. I imagine $50 to be the minimum to spend this month. Wouldn't it be incredible if I could keep it to $100 MAX.

So Meals today
Breakfast - cereal, milk. We are going to have to use oatmeal because the cereal will not last long
Lunch- BBQ for me Leftovers for B.
Dinner - B will have BBQ before class. X and I will have Tacos. I will add a can of black beans to the taco meat to stretch it out so it will last for an extra meal!

I don't know what to do.

So we had a nice, productive weekend or so I thought until I started looking at how much money we have spent since the last payday. The amount is OBSCENE. And yes this is a month where we have extra because there are 3 paychecks, but things have spiraled out of control. I feel so lost. And I am the one responsible, because I am always the only one responsible.

B talks about all of the things he wants to do and wants for the house, but he has no grasp on how much things cost and how little there is leftover every month and that that money should be going to repay debt. There are a few other things we can cut, but beyond that we can not cut much more and not have to resort to eating ramen 3 nights a week.

It is the same story I/We know what needs to be done yet we don't do it. A good chunk of spending was eating out. The second week we did better about not eating out so much, until the weekend. Then we ordered pizza, went to dinner with friends and then had date night. I really didn't want to go, but we had a free babysitter, so I thought we should take advantage of that and anytime I mentioned we could stay in B started moping.

B and I are in the midst of a HUGE fight via email. I know he is busy and has stuff to do and he is in the office alone, but I send him an email about what I have realized and he sends back a reply with nothing of importance in it. I feel like he is to blame, because I am always trying to please him. He still has not learned anything about delayed gratification...AT ALL. He has his own bank account with an overdraft line of credit and his is CONSTANTLY going over the limit and borrowing money from "us" or taking advances on his allowance to cover himself. He still owes us money from going on a trip a few months ago. The problem is I let him do this. I try and tell him no and he manages to wheedle and manipulate and get his way. He used to do the same thing to his mother. She drove herself into debt to give him what he wanted. Debt wise we have made some poor choices in the past, but you would think we would learn from them and change our behavior, but we really haven't. We stopped using credit cards, but saving and eating out less and not spending too much have not really happened. Just this weekend I went and spent about $70 on clothing, now I had allowance money to pay for it, but I think I am going to return them and use the money toward out larger goals.

That is the problem with B, he cant see the big picture. He has things of value which he sells and then spends on himself. I find that selfish. Particularly when there are projects around the house he wants us to pay for. He desperately wants a new couch. I don't understand why he won't sell some of his posters to pay for it. Yes he did sell a big piece to help us get the car, but I am still bitter that he did not take my advice and sell it a year earlier at the most opportune time....we lost out on $3000. Though we probably would have wasted it and then had nothing for the down payment on the car. I guess that is what it is. I just think that if I had the opportunity to make a profit on something I would contribute to our family first.

I know I am at fault too. I keep giving in to what he wants. I don't want him to be angry with me or sad or upset. SO what he had a bad day and wants Chinese food...ok, just this one last time it will be okay. Or I wanted to surprise him so I went ahead and bought him an iPod for his birthday instead of making him save for it I let him pay it off later. He has lived his entire life like this. Get what he wants now and pays for it later and I have gotten sucked in too. Once I had money of my own it was fun being able to buy things, have nice things and clothing. I never had many lessons on savings from my parents. And now I am digging out for mistakes we make 10 years ago and I feel like we will be digging out from them FOREVER. We might.

I would love to have a debt free life, but it seems so far away it is impossible. I do also know that once we have no debt that we will be able to have the life we want. I may be able to stay at home at least part time, but those things that seem so far away are not very good motivators for me. I don't know what to do.

Progress?

So I realize that it is only Thursday, but so far things are going pretty well. The house is mostly clean (except for the office). We have eaten at home. Last night B did run to the store to pick food up. However, turkey sandwiches and potato chips, while not the most nutritionally sound meal, was 1000 times better than a big plate of greasy Chinese food. There is still food in the fridge for dinner tonight and lunches tomorrow. If we can just keep it up. I know we will be going out once if not twice this weekend. My sister is visiting so we have a babysitter and B and I are going out. Then we may end up going out with some people from B's work on Sunday night. I just know after work tomorrow is going to be HARD. It will be a long day and then with J there just picking up something will be easier. Maybe I can plan to make homemade pizza. I guess I need to go to the store since the girl is weird and won't eat half the stuff we have in the house. Plus we are out of cereal again. How does a family of 3 eat so much cereal!

Tonight I have a playgroup mom's night out thing. I always get so nervous about going somewhere strange, but I generally have a good time. Then I need to come home and have a laundry marathon! I wanted to go to the farmers market, but it looks like it is going to storm this weekend. We NEED the rain, so I am not going to complain about it.

Frustration

So after having "symptoms" for over a week I was shocked to discover that I am not pregnant. I spent most of the weekend crying off and on. X spoiled us since we got pregnant right away. I really thought I would be okay if it didn't happen right away, so I am surprised at how depressed all of this has made me. I am usually used to getting my way. I am having a hard time seeing this as an opportunity. It is an opportunity to get healthier before I get pregnant. B and I still say we want to start eating better, yet we don't. It will give us more time to save money, because no matter when I have a baby I am going to have to take time off unpaid next time around. I am still unsure if we will try again this month. I ordered some ovulation tests so I know when I ovulate, but we may just use that information to avoid it for the next few months. I am terrified that we will not be able to get pregnant easily.
I know my health/ weight is a huge factor and probably the key. With X I had been working out, we were eating really well and I had lost about 20 lbs that year. I just can't seem to get B on board. He is so stressed and we are both tired and so much of the time picking something up is just much easier than cooking at home.
I am trying to get better this week. I roasted a chicken, made spaghetti sauce, pasta and rice so we have meals ready to go.

Long time No update.

It's been a few weeks. B and I are still trying our lists. The tasks on them have not all gotten accomplished, but for the most part there has been less arguing over who needs to do what, which is nice. It will take time to get used to things. Hopefully by June we will have it all worked out.

On the baby #2 front, I have no news to report.....yet. We decided to go ahead and try this month since I was on an antibiotic and there was no point in taking the pill while on medicine that would essentially negate its effects this month. I am impatient to find out, so impatient I ordered some very inexpensive tests online so I can test everyday from now until Sunday! Crazy, probably. I tell myself that I shouldn't get too excited there is so much working against us. 1)how likely is it that it works on the first try AGAIN 2)I'm nursing still 3) B's medicine may make him temporarily sterile, obviously last time that wasn't the case.
I feel like I will be a little disappointing if it doesn't happen because a Christmas baby would be fun. But I also feel that if it doesn't happen then it isn't the right time for us and I can take the next few months to focus on eating better and exercising and loosing some weight and we can try again in July/ August.